Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.

Barbara De Angelis

Alright ladies, let’s talk about those back burners on your stove. I’d be willing to bet most of us use the front burners more frequently, right?. It’s what we stand closer to and what usually gets most of our attention. I know I personally use the front burners and then push something to a back burner to keep it warm while I whip up a new thing up front. Catch my drift?

Well, guess what? We easily can fall in doing the same thing in our marriage! Newlywed days are filled with a simmering spouse who gets all of our attention. But when kiddos enter the mix, it’s easy to shove our husband to the back as we focus on nurturing our precious babies.

When I think back on all the pieces of marriage advice I have been given over the years, I can’t help but be most thankful to the advice my mother gave me almost two decades ago. Dustin and I were visiting my parents’ house and working on some stuff for our wedding. We had just gotten in the car and were about to back out of their driveway to head back to Hardin Simmons University in Abilene, Texas. But before Dustin was able to put the car in reverse, my mom appeared on the drivers side window right next to me. I rolled the window down and she said something so random…

Always love each other more

than you love your kids.

To be honest, it felt like really weird timing. We weren’t even married. We didn’t have any kids. I’m too focused on our wedding details and finishing out my last semester at HSU. We drove away but that statement never left my memory. I’ve carried it all these years and never truly *got* it until we had our first baby.

Gosh, it’s so easy to push our spouse to the back burner. Especially in the newborn days. Obviously, we have to (and want to) give our baby oodles of love and attention. But time and time again, that statement would pop up in my mind and I would do a self-check on whether or not I had been giving my husband oodles of love and attention as well.

So here’s the question of the day:

Do you put your kids first?

It’s alright friend, you aren’t alone. I’ve been there done that. Throughout the many seasons of your marriage, there will be times when this happens – even unintentionally. So you slid them to the back… what matters now is what are you going to do about it?

Apologize…

Go to your spouse and apologize for putting them on the back-burner. Maybe you just had a baby. Maybe you’re raising lots of children. Maybe you are overwhelmed with work-stress. Maybe your relationship feels distant. Whatever is sitting on your front burner, make sure to T.I.O. (talk it out) with your husband. Discuss your feelings (the good, the bad, the ugly), and ask for forgiveness for being distant.

Ask…

Once you’ve recognized your stove-top situation and talked it out with your spouse, ask them what you can be doing throughout the week to make them feel loved by you. Perhaps they want to go on dates with you more often. Or make love more often. Who knows, you might be super surprised by their answer!

Now, you’ve taken a look at your stove and if you followed those two steps above, you’re ready to rearrange the pots and pans if you will. Here are 4 ways you can overcome putting your spouse on the back-burner!

1. Don’t Find Time

If you and your spouse want to work on making your marriage a priority over your kids, the last thing you want to do is find the time to spend together. Why? You’ll never find it! If you’re serious about doing better with your stovetop, you have to MAKE THE TIME! Schedule date nights (even if they are at-home dates). Schedule conversations. Schedule sex if you need to. Schedule all of it if you aren’t already “making” the time to connect!

2. Don’t Just Parent

Remember, you were partners before you were parents (in most cases anyway). The health of your marriage isn’t the only reason to make partnering a priority; your kids are watching too! Neither of you likes feeling that your spouse sides with the kids over each other. Though this does happen, work on it so that you can, instead, be “partnering parents.” You have to work at being on the same page! It’s a must! Show your kids, by your actions, that your marriage comes first. And make sure that your kids witness you and your spouse as a team instead of seeing their parents be mom vs. dad.

3. Stop Just Praising Your Kids

Think of how many times we praise our kids for learning new skills, for doing the right thing, for eating all their vegetables. We get so excited and feel proud for their accomplishments and behavior, but make sure you have excitement and appreciation towards your spouse too! Shower your spouse with gratitude every.single.day. Thank them in private. Thank them in public. Thank them in front of your kids.

4. Stop The Negativity

Yes, you are probably both exhausted. I feel ya. And I can guess you might be “touched out” too. Your house might be a wreck. Work might be a nightmare. Finances may be stressful… But, you have a *choice. Focus on those negatives, or find the joy in them. And work at keeping what you say to your spouse on the positive side:

“I might be exhausted but it means the world that you want to spend time with me.”

“I might feel touched out but I love that you still desire my body.”

“The house is a wreck, but a lot of fun memories were made today.”

It’s not easy to keep marriage at the top of your priority list when there are so many other demands on your time: demanding jobs, demanding children, and other demanding responsibilities. While each has its place in your life, developing a healthy marriage is most important and should be given more attention than your other responsibilities. 

Dr Steve Stephens

Dr Steve Stephens