Biggest hurts of our marriage, some of them anyway, have revolved around the fact that my worldview was carried with me right into our marriage bed. Packed in my imaginary suitcase, was a plethora of opinions. Let’s unpack one, shall we? 

The Drive Lie…

Every book, movie, or tv show that I can think of watching from the time I was a young teen till now, depicts the man as the pursuer. And always in hot pursuit. Surely my husband would be just as hot and heavy for me as every main character in big picture productions is for their wife. Surely, right?! That *LIE* was etched so deep in my mind, it was practically in my DNA. So, you can imagine the confusion and heartache that reared its ugly head when that perfectly packed lie wasn’t in fact *our* reality. Not like Hollywood anyway.

We were newlyweds, in a new apartment, in a new city living in a whole new world called: marriage. Dustin was working the nightshift and I was attending my final few semesters in college. Our schedules were polar opposite and our time together was few and far between (which, by the way, is the perfect recipe for epic wedded bliss #inserteyeroll). But somehow, regardless of differing schedules, we managed to have a really great relationship. There was just one main issue that continued to cause tension, hurt feelings, and led to many hard conversations. Sex. 

There were so many instances where I, Alana, would dip my toe into the initiation bucket, only to be met with ice cold water:

“Not right now.”

Don’t get me wrong. Sex was happening, and… it was great! Maybe a little too great (*snort*) because I wanted more. I didn’t ever feel like it was happening enough. Not for me, anyway. I was still holding on to that Hollywood lie. And ya know, when you believe something as truth, you can’t see any other explanation. So why wasn’t HE wanting it more? Why didn’t he initiate more often? How come he was turning me down from time to time? Or is there something wrong with me?

Instead of asking Dustin these things, in order to understand his point of view, I allowed the enemy to answer on his behalf. We all know how that goes: He must be looking at porn. He probably has a “thing” for someone at work. He thinks I’m unattractive. He doesn’t love me anymore. I must not turn him on. Maybe I suck at sex…

It wasn’t until about 9 months into our marriage when *THE* conversation finally happened. We had been attending a newlywed bible study and as the weeks progressed, we discussed more intimate topics together as a group. There we were all in a circle in the hosts’ living room. It was the second “sex week” and we were asked (if we wanted) to share something to our spouse, in front of everyone. Mind you, the previous week was also on the topic of sex, except for that week the men and women had split. I remember sitting in the room with all the wives- only to hear every.single.one. of them talk about how all their husbands wanted was sex. I sat quietly, allowing the enemy’s lies to grow bigger and louder. So back to THE night. It had been a week and we were back at the hosts’ home waiting for the first spouse to be brave enough to share something in front of the group. Dustin opened his mouth. Seemed like everyone else’s mouths opened too as soon as they heard him say,

“Alana, I wish you would understand that sometimes I’m just too tired.”

Oh boy. The looks I got from the wives who couldn’t understand why I would actually WANT more sex. Annnnd, the looks Dustin got from the husbands who couldn’t understand why he WOULDN’T want more sex. 

We didn’t fit the Hollywood story. And we didn’t fit the story of any of the couples from our newlywed Bible study either. But as Dustin and I talked it out (and continued to discuss it from time to time throughout the past almost 18 years of marriage), we have become more understanding of each other and grown closer together. And though it didn’t happen overnight, I came to realize some pretty important things:

For starters, I learned that

My feelings aren’t facts. 

• I may feel unattractive, but my husband doesn’t think that 
• I may feel rejected, but my husband isn’t rejecting me 
• I may feel unloved, by my husband loves me tremendously
• I may feel (fill in the blank) but it doesn’t mean it’s true

THE ENEMY WANTS US TO THINK ALL OF THOSE THINGS! If he can’t destroy us, he will do his best to divide us. If he can’t divide us, he will do his best to distance us. If he can’t distance us from each other, he will do his best to confuse us. 

Don’t be deceived. Don’t leave room from the enemy to answer on behalf of your spouse. Don’t allow your feelings to build a wall between you either. 

Instead, talk it out with your spouse. And do your best to understand their point of view. Wanna know what I learned? My husband was exhausted. Physically and mentally. Not only was his job stressful physically, but the demands that were placed on him were stressful mentally and emotionally as well. He felt beat down at times and was always pushed to preform harder at work… only to come home to a wife that accused him of underperforming in his marriage as well. What a fun position to be in, right?

If you find yourself on either side of this scenario, I would urge you to T.I.O. (talk it out, as we call it). And if you are on my side of the coin, I want to encourage you directly: Instead of feeling rejected and allowing your feelings to build a wall of frustration, resentment, or anger towards your spouse, let them know that you desire them. Tell them that you want to connect in that way. But make sure to seek their point of view as well. Honor their feelings and acknowledge their day and the stressors they may be carrying. Find out how you can help them relax? How can you help them relieve stress? Ask if there is anything you can do to help out? 

Bottom line. Wives, if you are the one with the higher drive, I want you to know that you are not weird and you are certainly not alone. I can only hope that you felt “seen” through reading this and that maybe, just maybe, you feel encouraged to drop the lies and T.I.O.